Gambling jokes

Please tell us your you gambling jokes in the comments section.

I have been very lucky with gambling, I never won.

Last night I got thrown out of the casino. As a sports bettor I completely misunderstood the crap table.

Bettor: Suzan, pack up your things. I just won a 100,000 mBTC 20 leg parlay!
Wife: Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?
Bettor: I don’t care. Just so long as you’re out of the house by noon!

Bum: Can you spare 1 mBTC
Bettor: Will you buy booze?
Bum: No.
Bettor: Will you gamble it away?
Bum: No
Bettor: Will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn’t drink or gamble?

Husband: How do you lose 150 mBTC in the slot machines!
Wife: You lost 15,000 mBTC!
Husband: Yeah but I know how to gamble.

Bettor: My god, I had a terrible day today. I lost 15 out of 15 in college football, I lost 8 out of 8 in baseball and I lost 6 out of 6 in soccer. I don’t know what I am going to do.
Friend: Well there’s a hockey game on tonight.
Bettor: I don’t know anything about hockey.

Norm Macdonald – Gambling Sportscaster

Operator: May I know your username Sir?
Bettor: My username is Daffy Pluto Mickey Minnie Donald Road Runner Speedy Gonzales London.
Operator: Wow, why do you have a username like that?
Bettor: Why? You guys told me it had to be 6 characters long and include a capital!

Q: How do you make a small fortune out of sports betting?
A: Start with a large fortune!

Q: How do you make a fortune out of bitcoin sports betting?
A: Don’t bet and wait for the bitcoins to go up in value!

Bettor: Are you a gambling man?
Butcher: Yes
Bettor: I bet you 100,000 mBTC that you can’t reach up and touch that Beef hanging on the hooks up there.
Butcher: I’m not betting on that, the stakes are too high.

A group of men bet 100 mBTC on which of their girlfriends would win a 50 meter breaststroke swimming race. The brunette came in first; the redhead came in second and the blonde was last. The blonde said: ”I don’t want to be a tell-tale or anything, but the other two used their arms.”

2 mates are sports betting at the sportsbooks when one loses 500,000 mBTC on a single game, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table.

His mate walks over to the dead man’s house and knocks on the door, the wife answers and asks what he wants. He tells her “Your husband just lost 500,000 mBTC sports betting.” She hollers, “TELL HIM TO DROP DEAD!” to which the friend replies “okay I’ll tell him.”

gambling-jokes

A strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. After several minutes an older worker had had enough.

“Why don’t you put your money where your mouth is,” he said. “I will bet a week’s wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won’t be able to haul back in the wheelbarrow.” “You’re on, old man,” the braggart replied. “Let’s see what you got.”

The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man and said, “All right. Get in.”

A man walks into the bar of a sportsbook and says to the barman “I’ll bet you 500 mBTC that I can stand on this bar on one foot and piss into that whiskey bottle on that shelf behind you without spilling a drop”.

The bartender pondered the bet “OK, you’re on”. The guy climbed up on the bar, stood on one leg, and began pissing all over the place. He hit the bar, the bartender, himself, but not a drop made it into the whiskey bottle.

The bartender was ecstatic. Laughing, the bartender said, “Hey pal, you owe me 500 mBTC! ” The guy climbed down off the bar and said, “That’s okay. I just bet the guys in the sportsbook 500 mBTC each that I could piss all over you and the bar and still make you smile!”

A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a flight. The lawyer asks the blonde if she would like to play a game and explains how it works:

“I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer you pay me, then we switch. The blond says, “That’s not fair, I never finished high school” “In that case” replied the lawyer “if you don’t know the answer you pay me only 100 mBTC, but if I don’t know the answer, I will pay you 300 mBTC”. They agree to play the game and the lawyer asks the first question.

“What’s the distance from the earth to the moon?” The blonde doesn’t say a word and sends 100 mBTC to the lawyer. Now it’s the blonde’s turn. She asks the lawyer, “What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes down with 4?”

The lawyer looks puzzled. He takes out his laptop and searches all his references, even the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he live chats to his friends and co-workers – all to no avail. After over an hour of searching for the answer, he finally gives up and sends her 300 mBTC. The blonde doesn’t say anything. The lawyer asks “Well, so what IS the answer?”

The blonde sends the lawyer 100 mBTC.

sports betting joke

A businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to bet on sports. He lost the shirt off his back and had nothing left but the second half of his round-trip ticket. If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home.

So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, et cetera but to no avail. The cabbie snapped, “If you don’t have 15 mBTC, get the hell out of my cab loser!” So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and missed his flight.

One year later the businessman, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. He went out to the front of the casino to get a cab back to the airport. Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck.

The businessman got in the first cab in the line, “How much for a ride to the airport,” he asked? “15 mBTC,” came the reply. “And will you include a blow-job on the way?” “What?!!! Get the hell out of my cab.”

The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result. When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked “How much for a ride to the airport?” The cabbie replied “15 mBTC.” The businessman said “ok” and off they went.

As they drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up to each driver.

betting-joke

Funny gambling quotes

When I read about the evils of gambling I gave up reading.
~ Henny Youngman

I once gave up women and gambling… it was the worst 20 minutes of my life.
~George Best

They call gambling a disease, but it’s the only disease where you can win a bunch of money.
~ Norm Macdonald

The urge to gamble is so universal and its practice is so pleasurable, that I assume it must be evil.
~ Heywood Broun

The only business in the world bigger than gambling is religion…but gambling is not nearly so corrupt.
~ J. R. Miller

Gambling is not as destructive as war or as boring as pornography. It is not as immoral as business or as depressing as watching television. And the percentages are better than religion.
~ Mario Puzo

Someone once asked me why women don’t gamble as much as men do, and I gave the common-sensical reply that we don’t have as much money. That was a true but incomplete answer. In fact, women’s total instinct for gambling is satisfied by marriage.
~ Gloria Steinem

Please let us know your gambling jokes in the comments section.

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1 Comment

  1. Two for the Money (2005) 7 months ago

    You know, the best part of the best drug in the world isn’t the high. It’s the moment just before you take it. The dice are dancing on the table. Between now and the time they stop, that’s the greatest high in the world.

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