Please tell us your you gambling jokes in the comments section.
I have been very lucky with gambling, I never won.
Last night I got thrown out of the casino. As a sports bettor I completely misunderstood the crap table.
Bettor: Great news Suzan! Pack up your things. I just won a ฿1000 20 leg parlay!
Bettors wife: Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?
Bettor: I don’t care. Just so long as you’re out of the house by noon!
Bum: Can you spare 1 m฿
Bettor: Will you buy booze?
Bettor: Will you gamble it away?
Bettor: Will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn’t drink or gamble?
Husband: How do you lose 150 m฿ in the slot machines!
Wife: You lost 15,00 m฿ at the tables!
Husband: Yeah but I know how to gamble.
Bettor: My god, I had a terrible day today. I lost 15 out of 15 in college football, I lost 8 out of 8 in baseball and I lost 6 out of 6 in soccer. I don’t know what I am going to do.
Friend: Well there’s hockey games starting soon.
Bettor: I don’t know anything about hockey.
Operator: May I know your username Sir?
Bettor: My username is “Daffy Pluto Mickey Minnie Donald Road-Runner Speedy-Gonzales London”.
Operator: Wow, why do you have a username like that?
Bettor: Why? You guys told me it had to be 6 characters long and include a capital!
Q: How do you make a small fortune out of sports betting?
A: Start with a large fortune!
Q: How do you make a fortune out of crypto sports betting?
A: Don’t bet and wait for the crypto to go up in value!
Bettor: Are you a gambling man?
Bettor: I bet you ฿1000 that you can’t reach up and touch that beef hanging on the hooks up there.
Butcher: I’m not betting on that, the stakes are too high.
3 ladies bet 100 m฿ on a 50 meter breaststroke swimming race. The brunette came in first; the redhead came in second and the blonde was last. The blonde said “You 2 used your arms!”‘
2 mates are at the sportsbooks when 1 loses ฿500 on a single game, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table.
His mate walks over to the dead man’s house and tells his wife “Your husband just lost ฿500 sports betting.” She hollers, “TELL HIM TO DROP DEAD!” to which the friend replies “okay I’ll tell him”.
A strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. After several minutes an older worker said “I will bet a week’s wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won’t be able to haul back in the wheelbarrow.”
The braggart replied “You’re on, old man, let’s see what you got.”
The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man he said, “All right. Get in.”
A man walks into the bar of a sportsbook and says to the barman “I’ll bet you ฿5 that I can stand on this bar on 1 foot and piss into that whiskey bottle on that shelf behind you without spilling a drop”.
The barman pondered the bet “OK, you’re on”. The guy climbed up on the bar, stood on 1 leg, and began pissing all over the place. He hit the bar, the bartender, himself, but not a drop made it into the whiskey bottle.
The bartender was ecstatic. Laughing, the bartender said, “Hey pal, you owe me ฿5! ” The guy climbed down off the bar and said, “That’s okay. I just bet the guys in the sportsbook ฿5 each that I could piss all over you and the bar and you would smile!”
A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a flight. The lawyer asks the blonde if she would like to play a game and explains how it works:
“I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer you pay me, then we switch.
The blond says, “If I don’t know the answer off the top of my head, I will pay you 100 m฿. If you don’t know the answer you pay me 300 m฿, but you can use the internet”.
They agreed and the lawyer began “What’s the distance from the earth to the moon?” The blonde doesn’t say a word and sends 100 m฿ to the lawyer. Now it’s the blonde’s turn. She asks the lawyer, “What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes down with 4?”
The lawyer looks puzzled. He takes out his laptop and searches all his references, frustrated, he messages his friends and co-workers – all to no avail. He finally gives up, sends her 300 m฿ and asks “Well, so what IS the answer?”
The blonde sends the lawyer 100 m฿.
A bitcoiner flew to Vegas for the weekend. He lost the shirt off his back and had nothing left but the second half of his round-trip ticket. If he could just get to the airport he could get home.
He went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card and ID, his address, et cetera but to no avail. The cabbie snapped, “If you don’t have 5 m฿, get the hell out of my cab loser!”
The bitcoiner was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and missed his flight.
One year later the bitcoiner, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. He went to the front of the casino to get a cab back to the airport. At the end of a long line of cabs he saw the driver who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck.
The bitcoiner got in the first cab in the line, “How much for a ride to the airport,” he asked? “5 m฿,” came the reply. “And will you include a blow-job on the way?” “What?!!! Get the hell out of my cab.”
The bitcoiner got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result. When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked “How much for a ride to the airport?” The cabbie replied “5 m฿.” The businessman said “ok” and off they went.
As they drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up to each driver.
Funny gambling quotes
~ Henny Youngman
When I read about the evils of gambling I gave up reading.
I once gave up women, drinking and gambling… it was the worst 20 minutes of my life.
~ Norm Macdonald
They call gambling a disease, but it’s the only disease where you can win a bunch of money.
~ Heywood Broun
The urge to gamble is so universal and its practice is so pleasurable, that I assume it must be evil.
~ J. R. Miller
The only business in the world bigger than gambling is religion…but gambling is not nearly so corrupt.
~ Mario Puzo
Gambling is not as destructive as war or as boring as pornography. It is not as immoral as business or as depressing as watching television. And the percentages are better than religion.
~ Gloria Steinem
Someone once asked me why women don’t gamble as much as men do, and I gave the common-sensical reply that we don’t have as much money. That was a true but incomplete answer. In fact, women’s total instinct for gambling is satisfied by marriage.
Please let us know your gambling jokes in the comments section.