The economy’s so bad, Exxon-Mobil laid off 15 Congressmen.

My stockbroker and I are working on a retirement plan. Unfortunately, it’s his!

A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.

The market may be bad, but I slept like a baby last night. I woke up every hour and cried.

The most successful female financier was Moses’ mother. She went to the bank and floated a prophet.

A Greek, an Irishman and a Portuguese go into a bar and order drinks. Who picks up the bill? A German.

An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn’t happen today.

From a trader after a market crash: “This is worse than a divorce. I’ve lost half my net worth and I still have a wife.”

You know you’ve gone to the wrong stockbroker when you ask him to buy 10,000 shares in IBM and he asks you how to spell it.

An economist walks into a pizzeria to order a pizza. The waiter asks him: “Should I cut it into 4 pieces or 6 pieces?” The economist replies: “I’m feeling hungry right now. You’d better cut it into 6 pieces.”

A woman hears from her doctor that she only has 6 months to live. The doctor advises her to marry an economist. The woman asks, “Will this make me live longer?” The doctor answers, “No. But it will seem longer”.

Stockbroker: What is a million years like to you?
God: Like one second.
Stockbroker: What is a million dollars like to you?
God: Like one penny.
Stockbroker: Can I have a penny?
God: Just a second …

After years of scrimping and saving a husband told his wife the good news: “Honey, we’ve finally got enough money to buy what we started saving for in 1979.”
“You mean a brand-new BMW?” she asked eagerly.
“No,” said the husband, “a 1979 BMW.”

A new investor came to see a famous stockbroker. “Can you tell me how much you charge?” said the investor. “Of course,” the stockbroker replied, “I charge 1000 m฿ per question” “Well that’s a bit steep, isn’t it?” asked the investor “Yes it is,” said the stockbroker, “And what’s your 3rd question?”

A Japanese man walked into the currency exchange line in a New York bank with 2000 yen and was sent 66 m฿. He asked the teller why he got less money than he had gotten the previous week. The lady said, “Fluctuations.” The Japanese man stormed out, and just before slamming the door, he turned around and said, “Fuck you Americans too!”

A father is explaining business ethics to his son who is about to go into the workforce. “Suppose a woman comes in and orders 1000 m฿ worth of material. You give it to her. She pays you. But as she is going out the door you realize she sent it twice giving you 2000 m฿. Now, here’s where the ethics come in: should you or should you not tell your partner?”

3 economists are out pig shooting. They see a large boar in the distance, so they jump out of their truck and level their rifles. The first one fires. A cloud of dirt erupts 1 metre to the left of the pig. The second one fires. A cloud of dirt erupts 1 metre to the right of the pig. The third one shouts “we got him!”

In hell a man passed a room where an economist was having an intimate conversation with a beautiful woman. “What a crummy deal!” the man complained. “I have to burn for all eternity and that economist spends it with that gorgeous woman.”

An escorting demon jabs the man with his pitchfork and shouts, “Who are you to question that woman’s punishment?”

Einstein enters a university for his first day of work. The Dean leads him to the staff room and introduces him to the others professors. “Here is your first colleague, he has an IQ of 180!”“Why that’s wonderful!” Says Albert. “We can discuss mathematics and physics!”Just then another man moves out to shake Albert’s hand. “I also lecture here and I’m sorry, but my IQ is only 80.”Albert smiles back at him and says, “So, where do you think interest rates are headed?”

Q: How do you find a small-cap fund manager?
A: Find a large-cap fund manager and wait.

Q: What’s the difference between buying a lottery ticket and buying stocks?
A: In the first case you help finance the local community swimming pool. In the second case you help finance your stockbroker’s home swimming pool.

Q: Why was astrology invented?
A: So that economics could be considered an accurate science.

Q: What’s the easiest way to make a small fortune with binary options?
A: Start with a large fortune.

Q: Dad what is liquidity?
A: When I look at my binary options account and wet myself.

Today’s Stock Market Report
Helium was up, feathers were down. Paper was stationary.
Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading. Knives were up sharply.
Cows steered into a bull market. Pencils lost a few points.
Hiking equipment was trailing.
Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.
Weights were up in heavy trading.
Light switches were off.
Mining equipment hit rock bottom. Diapers remain unchanged.
Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.
The market for raisins dried up.
Coca Cola fizzled.
Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.
Sun peaked at midday.
Balloon prices were inflated.
Scott Tissue touched a new bottom.
Batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market

Traditions capitalism
– You have 2 cows.
– You sell 1 and buy a bull.
– Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
– You sell them and retire on the income.
American capitalism
– You have 2 cows.
– You sell 3 of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all 4 cows back, with a tax exemption for 5 cows.The milk rights of the 6 cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all 7 cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns 8 cows, with an option on 1 more.Sell 1 cow to buy influence with a new president of the United States, leaving you with 9 cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public buys your bull.French capitalism
– You have 2 cows.
– You go on strike because you want 3 cows.Japanese capitalism
– You have 2 cows.
– You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce 20 times the milk.
– You then create cute cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them worldwide.German capitalism
– You have 2 cows.
– You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.British capitalism
– You have 2 cows.
– Both are mad.Italian capitalism
– You have 2 cows, but you don’t know where they are.
– You break for lunch.

Swiss capitalism
– You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you.
– You charge others for storing them.

Chinese capitalism
– You have 2 cows.
– You have 300 people milking them.
– You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.

New Zealand capitalism
– You have 2 cows.
– That one on the left is kinda cute…

An investment banker stood at the pier of a small coastal village when a small boat with one fisherman docked. Inside the boat were several large yellowfin tuna. The banker complimented the fisherman on his catch and asked how long it took to catch them.The fisherman replied, “Only a little while.”The banker then asked why didn’t he stay out longer and catch more fish.The fisherman said he had enough to support his family’s needs.The banker then asked, “But what do you do with the rest of your time?”The fisherman said, “I sleep late, play with my children, take siestas with my wife, stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine and play guitar with my friends. I have a full life.”The investor scoffed, “I am an Ivy League MBA and I could help you. You should spend more time fishing and with the proceeds, buy a bigger boat. With the proceeds from the bigger boat, you could buy several boats, and eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your catch to a middleman you would then sell directly to the processor, eventually opening your own cannery. You would control the product, processing, and distribution! You would need to move to the capital city. Then the best part. When the time is right you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public and become very rich. You would make millions!”The fisherman asked, “But how long will this all take?”To which the banker replied, “Perhaps 25 to 30 years.”

Okay, then what?” asked the fisherman.

To which the banker replied “Then you would retire. You could move to a small coastal village where you would sleep late, go fishing, play with your kids, take siestas with your wife, and stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play guitar with your friends.”

If you know any good trading, stock market or economics jokes please add them to the comments.

Vlad Hategan photo

Vlad Hategan


In my career, I wrote for companies like Daily Coin or Crypto Banter while also writing social media content for a number of projects - including NFTs and tokens.

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