If you know any good trading, stock market or economics jokes please add them to the comments.
My stockbroker and I are working on a retirement plan. Unfortunately, it’s his!
A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.
The market may be bad, but I slept like a baby last night. I woke up every hour and cried.
The most successful female financier was Moses’ mother. She went to the bank and floated a prophet.
A Greek, an Irishman and a Portuguese go into a bar and order drinks. Who picks up the bill? A German.
From a trader after a market crash: “This is worse than a divorce. I’ve lost half my net worth and I still have a wife.”
You know you’ve gone to the wrong stockbroker when you ask him to buy 10,000 shares in IBM and he asks you how to spell it.
An economist walks into a pizzeria to order a pizza. The waiter asks him: “Should I cut it into 4 pieces or 6 pieces?” The economist replies: “I’m feeling hungry right now. You’d better cut it into 6 pieces.”
A woman hears from her doctor that she only has 6 months to live. The doctor advises her to marry an economist. The woman asks, “Will this make me live longer?” The doctor answers, “No. But it will seem longer”.
After years of scrimping and saving a husband told his wife the good news: “Honey, we’ve finally got enough money to buy what we started saving for in 1979.” “You mean a brand-new BMW?” she asked eagerly. “No,” said the husband, “a 1979 BMW.”
A new investor came to see a famous stockbroker. “Can you tell me how much you charge?” said the investor. “Of course,” the stockbroker replied, “I charge 1000 m฿ per question” “Well that’s a bit steep, isn’t it?” asked the investor “Yes it is,” said the stockbroker, “And what’s your 3rd question?”
A Japanese man walked into the currency exchange line in a New York bank with 2000 yen and was sent 66 m฿. He asked the teller why he got less money than he had gotten the previous week. The lady said, “Fluctuations.” The Japanese man stormed out, and just before slamming the door, he turned around and said, “Fuck you Americans too!”
3 economists are out pig shooting. They see a large boar in the distance, so they jump out of their truck and level their rifles. The first one fires. A cloud of dirt erupts 1 metre to the left of the pig. The second one fires. A cloud of dirt erupts 1 metre to the right of the pig. The third one shouts “we got him!”
In hell a man passed a room where an economist was having an intimate conversation with a beautiful woman. “What a crummy deal!” the man complained. “I have to burn for all eternity and that economist spends it with that gorgeous woman.”
An escorting demon jabs the man with his pitchfork and shouts, “Who are you to question that woman’s punishment?”
Q: How do you find a small-cap fund manager? A: Find a large-cap fund manager and wait.
Q: What’s the difference between buying a lottery ticket and buying stocks? A: In the first case you help finance the local community swimming pool. In the second case you help finance your stockbroker’s home swimming pool.
Q: Why was astrology invented? A: So that economics could be considered an accurate science.
Q: What’s the easiest way to make a small fortune with binary options? A: Start with a large fortune.
Q: Dad what is liquidity? A: When I look at my binary options account and wet myself.
Today’s Stock Market Report Helium was up, feathers were down. Paper was stationary. Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading. Knives were up sharply. Cows steered into a bull market. Pencils lost a few points. Hiking equipment was trailing. Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline. Weights were up in heavy trading. Light switches were off. Mining equipment hit rock bottom. Diapers remain unchanged. Shipping lines stayed at an even keel. The market for raisins dried up. Coca Cola fizzled. Caterpillar stock inched up a bit. Sun peaked at midday. Balloon prices were inflated. Scott Tissue touched a new bottom. Batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market
German capitalism – You have 2 cows. – You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.
British capitalism – You have 2 cows. – Both are mad.
Italian capitalism – You have 2 cows, but you don’t know where they are. – You break for lunch.
Swiss capitalism – You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. – You charge others for storing them.
Chinese capitalism – You have 2 cows. – You have 300 people milking them. – You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.
New Zealand capitalism – You have 2 cows. – That one on the left is kinda cute…
The investor scoffed, “I am an Ivy League MBA and I could help you. You should spend more time fishing and with the proceeds, buy a bigger boat. With the proceeds from the bigger boat, you could buy several boats, and eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your catch to a middleman you would then sell directly to the processor, eventually opening your own cannery. You would control the product, processing, and distribution! You would need to move to the capital city. Then the best part. When the time is right you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public and become very rich. You would make millions!”
The fisherman asked, “But how long will this all take?”
To which the banker replied, “Perhaps 25 to 30 years.”
Okay, then what?” asked the fisherman.
To which the banker replied “Then you would retire. You could move to a small coastal village where you would sleep late, go fishing, play with your kids, take siestas with your wife, and stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play guitar with your friends.”
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